Why Am I A Loser?

I know the title of this post begs to be refuted and it may appear that I'm fishing for compliments. Actually, the negative self-talk is a symptom of having been unemployed this long. I go back to work on Friday and hopefully I'll be bitching about the network running me ragged soon enough but right now I'm a loser not because I'm not earning an income but because idle hands are the devil's workshop.
I didn't just call him- the ex who broke up with me. I called him and suggested that we include each other in our respective dating pools. You know, not get back together but date.. on occasion. And I did this not because I haven't been on any dates. I have. Even though the whole friends with benefits thing blew up in my dumb face and the next time I see aforementioned friend, he is apt to pat me on the head, I'm still out there. Tomorrow night I have a date with a photographer named Miguel. I suspect he might be cheesy. He asked if I would meet him on the corner of 23rd and Seventh Ave. and we could walk and find a place together.
Wtf? First of all, how am I supposed to be fashionably late if you're waiting on a street corner. And HELLO? It's a blind date, do you really want to try to find each other near the Chelsea exit of the 1 line? In his favor is the fact that his pictures allege that he's cute.
And then there's the guy from Queens who teaches English to high schoolers and immigrants. I unwittingly noted on my profile that "Vocabulary not salary makes me swoon." A phrase that a discouraging number of men took to the bank.
And finally the struggling actor who has an HBO credit to his name and responded in all seriousness when I asked him if it was hard playing dead (he had just taped an episode of Law & Order SVU). Anyway, the actor is actually pretty funny, I just think he was nervous when we met out for drinks alone versus the group setting where we had first met.
So my point here is that I have options. Yet I found myself presenting my case to my ex as if I was pitching a great idea for a documentary..."and since we moved too fast, we could just date, you know, each other and others and.." And how about you just ask him if he could freeze some sperm for you seeing how you couldn't possibly sound more desperate and pathetic. I had steeled myself for the rejection I was inviting, thinking it's better to put it out there and hope for the best. After all, how unlikely is it for me to make a connection on multiple levels like we did? And he was such a good boyfriend until he wasn't..
So that's why I wonder aloud, in cyberspace why I'm a loser. Because now that it's done, and I cried about it and then ordered a pizza and inhaled half of it, I feel better. I'm not devastated again. But I definitely took a big step back.
I need a job. And I need people to stop telling me how skinny I am because it undermines my motivation for going to the gym. Gross. I can't believe I asked him to date me. I'm going to finish the rest of that pizza now.