The Sunday after I got stood up, I joined another dating website. I know. As if the heavens haven't rained down a monsoon of misery already! With each drop comes another reminder of why keeping hope alive is an exercise in futility. But enough pep talk, here's the deal. It's not one of those niche websites that cater to a specific religion or ethnicity. No, this is a web-based free for all where you simply fill out your stats and roll the dice... or comb the plethora of sad, ahem, eligible singles who claim to be in the same boat.
This particular website is good and bad because it is so ubiquitous. It has a feature where you can wink at someone. I was so bored yesterday at work that I winked enough times to make these prospects wonder if I had something in my eye. And then I started sending random messages just to fuck with people. To the beefcake from Long Island who chose "Diesel" as his name and said Bond Street was his favorite eatery: I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you have GREAT abs. But you already knew that.
Here's what you don't know.
Bond Street burned down.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but as a reporter, it's my job.
To the "heart surgeon" who was "looking for a babe" and listed sarcasm as a turn-off: lol. really? You're looking for a babe. Interesting. I'm being sarcastic because it's one of your turn-offs and I think you're really looking for a challenge.
Seriously, tho, I just got on this site and am really bored at work. Oh, I'm busy, I just love procrastinating and if that includes sending messages to random guys, then so be it.
If you don't write back it means that you don't have a sense of humor... or a heart. But perhaps the latter could be rectified with your professional savvy and access, no?
And this is one of my personal favorites: Your profile was funny. You should know that. Some guys say they want wit but aren't very clever themselves so I appreciated that.
Don't feel compelled to respond, I'm really in random mode right now. Anyway, have a great day!
I may have missed the boat with that guy because his profile really was funny. Here's part of it:
I think I cringe every time I hear or read the phrase "work hard, play hard." I think, with regards to dating, that people in NYC treat each other like five dollar bodega umbrellas. I think a man must at least try to kiss a woman by the second date, or she likely won't respect him. I think people who hug the center pole on the subway are selfish idiots.
Another guy said he knew he was a New Yorker when he stopped trying to be nice to the people who work at Duane Reade. Hallelujah! I swear those fuckers had to fail a personality test to secure their jobs. My attempts to kill them with kindness are met with glares. I always thought it was just me.
Today is day three on that website and I've had one date, one more to go. The first one was last night and lasted 27 minutes. He was a lawyer, originally from India but raised in New Jersey, who suggested we meet at the rooftop bar of the Dream hotel. This was two blocks from my office so I agreed. I had been awake since 6:30 because I worked out with my personal trainer in the morning. Now I'm walking like I'm 80 years old because my thighs haven't seen that kind of workout in years.
Anyway, he suggests we meet at a rooftop bar. I go where? To the roof..where there's a bar that he suggested. 20 minutes later, I'm seriously wondering if I've been stood up twice in one week and considering throwing myself off aforementioned roof. Then I see him. I approach, he turns, he smiles. Not as cute as his picture but he really was 6'tall. "I was waiting for you in the lobby," he says. Why, dumbass? Of course I didn't say that. We get our drinks and head upstairs where he reveals his amazingly dull personality. I was a bit lethargic myself but my attempts at levity were thwarted by his inability to understand sarcasm. A rail-thin girl with long blonde hair was standing with her back to us and I deadpanned, "Paris Hilton" nodding in her direction. He stared at her for a long time then back at me with a puzzled look. "I'm kidding," I said and to my horror he let out a high pitched laugh that could only be replicated by a hyena. Time to call it a night. "It's late and I'm fading fast," I suggested. It was 7:47.
Next at bat is a television producer but there's a deadline to our drinks. I have to meet up some girlfriends for dinner so I'm meeting him beforehand. Stay tuned for tales from the dark side of dating. I mean, spotlight on swinging single in the city!*
*that last sentence was meant to appease the followers of manifest destiny type theories.
