Between the off-label drug I'm taking and my new prescription glasses, I'm having trouble with the most mundane task- WALKING. Here's some background. Wait. Before I fill you in on the background, indulge me momentarily while I preface that with a smidgen of more info. that may serve to amuse if not enlighten you about my propensity for self-medicating.
Almost all of my exposure to drugs- of medicinal or recreational value- has been through my physician friends. That's right, of all the people I meet it's not journos or lawyers BUT doctors who abuse drugs most liberally. And here's the real irony, they will convince you or at least try to in a pot-induced state that everyone else has got it all wrong and their knowledge of medicine insulates them from the pitfalls exhibited by the mere mortals who don't have M.D. after their name. But LOVE THEM. LOVE you guys. And I don't think they're wrong about that either but I'm not getting into a discourse on legalizing marijuana. Not here, not now. Foundation layed. Laid? I don't know.
Several months ago, I was having dinner with three very accomplished physicians who were discussing the off-label benefits of an anti-seizure medication called Topamax. One of the doctors had seen tremendous success with overweight patients who had lost weight when prescribed nominal dosages. I was more than a little intrigued. "What are the side effects?" None, really, he said. "They reported more energy and a feeling of satiety." Really? So, let me get this straight. There's a drug that can allow you to feel full so that you don't gorge yourself at regular intervals and the only side effect is that it puts a spring in your step? SIGN ME UP!
One month ago, he did. At first, I didn't feel anything and in anticipation of the weight loss, I started eating often and badly. Anything smothered or fried, I ordered without batting an eye, pausing only to confirm there was no bacon or lard, for religious reasons. Then it hit me. One day at work as I was talking up hot printer guy, I noticed that my extremities were all tingly and my lips were numb. "Maybe you're drunk," he offered. No, that wasn't it. My roommate said it was stress manifesting itself like it can with the twitching of an eye. Finally, it occurred to me that it was the Topamax. I looked it up online and discovered that Topamax causes those symptoms and bouts of confusion, read stupidity, which may explain going to see my therapist crosstown in the rain only to be reminded that she was on vacation. I think the real trick of the weight loss is the fact that Topamax makes colas taste like ass. You don't want to drink something that tastes like that so as a consequence I'm abstaining from one of my most high caloric culprits. So there's that and then there's my new glasses.
I finally got a new prescription for my glasses which I only wear when I'm going to be on a plane for more than three hours or too hungover to care about how fabulous my sunglasses make me look. The optometrist told me that I had a stigmatism and gave me new contacts and a Rx for new glasses as well. Once I finally found a pair of glasses that fit my face, were chic but not too trendy, and Prada (this was difficult, mind you), I was in business. Or not. Everything is slanted forward! I first noticed it with my laptop, then when I went to place a glass on my coffee table, but it really posed a problem as I attempted to navigate the Upper West Side towards brunch this afternoon. I got a few curious stares as I attempted to climb slopes that weren't there and a few times, I caught my self stumbling over curbs. I looked like a freak trying to get up the few steps to Mozart's where we were meeting for brunch. My friend laughed as I abruptly attempted to keep my glass from sliding off the perfectly horizontal table. Tomorrow I will have to go back to Optician to see about seeing again.
