Creating Negative Energy

So I'm in D.C. on a shoot for a client tomorrow on the Hill. I opted to come in tonight instead of taking the early train. Plus, my friend John just bought a house here and I wanted to see his new digs.

He picked me up at Union Station and we went to a hole in the wall noodle hut in Chinatown. Over dinner I shared a recent epiphany: I do hate myself. Faced with this allegation from a series of men I had pushed away or turned off, I was reluctant to accept this reality. But I cornered my therapist into confirming this theory and was feeling pretty shitty about it. John was surprised, citing my assertive nature and confidence I exude professionally. But I told him that personally, I was a mess. Frankly, I wondered how someone who had seen me unravel in Africa when Murphy's Law manifested itself at every juncture, would question how I might be a bit "off." Still, he was skeptical until we got into the cab.

A few days of glorious Spring like weather was simply a tease before a fucking Nor'easter reminded us that we lived on the East Coast. Temperatures plummeted and as the cold rain fell, we scrambled for a cab and found one. In D.C., cab drivers typically pick up various unrelated passengers and so when one stopped with a guy already in the back, I hopped in the front and John sat next to the stranger. As we made our way to his new house in Northeast section of the city, John asked if I had done any on-air work. I relayed the story of the murder-suicide I had covered in New Jersey where a mom had used a hatchet to kill her daughter then jumped in a creek and offed herself. "It was in Somerset County, John, million dollar homes- no crime," I said. The cab driver who was black and possibly Nigerian looked at me and asked, "Are you saying that rich people aren't crazy?" Here we go. "No, I'm just saying that it's surprising when it happens in a wealthy community because those people, if they're crazy, have access to psychiatric care." John murmured in agreement saying something about affording therapy. But the cabbie was poised for a debate. "Rich people are just as crazy as poor people. Crazy is crazy," he insisted. I said that yes but it wasn't as shocking when crime happened in an impoverished area due to the fact that drugs and consequently crime was more common there. He countered again and I cut him off. "Do you want to argue with me because I've had a really long day?" That was the end of that. Until we got out of the cab.

John, who is very mild-mannered blew a gasket. "Why did you go off on him like that? He was just asking you a question!" I said no, clearly his tone and the nature of his question implied he was challenging me and baiting me into an argument. "No, he wasn't and even if he was, you don't have to be such a bitch. You create negative energy that way," he concluded. This is true. I was trying to avoid an argument but in the process flippantly dismissed the opinion of a cab driver. That's not a capital crime (no pun intended) but there's something to creating negative energy. I fear I'm going to have to completely disassemble my personality and rewire my way of thinking. Why don't you just ask me to find a cure for cancer, that's probably easier.